Using Dysfunctional Relationships to Blast Through Painful Attachment Trauma and Patterns Into Liberation
Chapter 1
Once upon a time, for the past 8 ish years, I was involved in an on and off relationship that has been dysfunctional.
We met at a time when I was at the crossroads of a kundalini awakening, being in a sex cult, doing borderline black magic (love magic), and making a living as a Tantric practitioner/sensual masseuse. So I really got what I wanted, eventually: the deepest healing.
Now on the other side of a test, knowing that passing this time is choosing high self worth and a new level of showing up in the world.
I have used this relationship as a fire to burn through rather severe attachment trauma.
In order to do that, I needed to heal the childhood trauma and rewire my brain. Then pass tests.
I realized reasons why I couldn’t pass tests in the past were 1) I didn’t know they were tests and 2) the fears behind the natural consequences of passing. Fears of being alone, lonely, undesirable. 3) sheer codependency and lifelong patterning that need uprooted. Now I see.
Chapter 2
One big question is WHY do we stay in relationships where our needs aren’t being met? I often felt miserable, abandoned, ignored, unloved, and my self-esteem decreased. I was expanding in so many ways when I came upon this person and continually held my life back through being with him. To be fair, the highs were pretty high as well, the flip flop.
I felt a fairy tale level of devotion which I will get more into later in this story.
I stayed and kept going back because of programming. His behavior triggered my unconscious low self worth behaviors and beliefs. Repeating the pattern because it’s familiar but also because a huge part of me (my soul!) wanted to resolve it. My personality NEEDED to resolve it and my ego absolutely LOVED staying in the loop with it.
At each threshold, where some crisis would happen, the opportunity was to use it as medicine.